You know those days when everything hard catches up with you? Waves of inadequacy can crash in from all sides. Life looks really big and we question whether or not we have what it takes to compete, survive, or ever make a difference. This week, I had a one of those days.
Anytime a new opportunity comes my way, I seem to fall into a pattern. First, I get excited. Next, I step back and take a look at the big picture. Finally, I panic! It is this unhealthy "rut" that often prevents me from being able to risk being a part of something new. I freeze up, afraid to join the adventure. Fear becomes my partner and I fold under the lying accusations of the enemy. "You can't do this!" "You are nothing." "You will embarrass yourself and never be able to face people again." The list goes on and on...
This morning I was considering my children, all of which are brave and wildly adventuresome. I was remembering how one of them was able to influence hundreds of people without even saying a word. Our daughter, Tiffany, had a relationship with God that was different. She was completely disabled physically and mentally, but she carried the love of Jesus and the power of Holy Spirit everywhere she went. Wherever she was, lives were effected and changed. We never really understood how or why this happened so easily with her, but we watched it transpire time and time again. She has since passed away, so I decided to go back and watched her memorial service to remember how God can use us, just as we are, to accomplish great things (http://ladybugtiff.com). There were many testimonies being shared, but one story really stood out to me.
Tiffany was in the hospital room unconscious and presumably dying. A friend, who had never met her, asked to go into her room alone and spend some time with her. He was angry at God. Two of his children had died in a terrible plane accident years before. All he had left from that incident was his pain. This is what he carried into that tiny, machine filled room to see our child slipping away as well. The pain was more than he could bare.
We don't really know what happened in that room. I'm not sure our friend could clearly articulate the event either, but he shared what he could of the story at her memorial twelve years later (Tiffany did not die that day). Because Tiffany knew how to host the presence of God, His spirit was able to transform people around her, even when she was unconscious. She was a willing vessel. His power didn't depend on her ability. Jesus encountered people in her midst even as her mind and body lay disengaged, safe within his arms. Our friend went into that room angry and came out a new creation. His life would never be the same after that day.
This is the kind of life that inspires me. One that wasn't consumed by striving. Tiffany never worked at being Tiffany. She just was. God used her right where she was being just who she was. I need to grasp that kind of lifestyle. I need to relax and just be available. Responsibility is responding to His ability. How easy is that?!?
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