Strange Times

   "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..." The historical novel, 'A Tale of Two Cities', by Charles Dickens, eloquently sums up this particular day in my life. 

   Today is my birthday. Yesterday, I buried my daughter and in a couple of days, we'll have a final party to celebrate her life. The best and worst of times all rolled up into one week. I find myself lost in a battle of the mind vs the spirit, here in the wee morning hours. Most of what I did in life (including my vocation) has been wrapped up in one very precious, but demanding, task... to keep Tiffany alive. Today I am expected to celebrate my life. What a daunting task in the midst of everything else going on. 

   Here is the place faith and reality collide. This is that moment when "fear" of the unknown wakes me, in the middle of the night, and probes at all the insecurities I've managed to keep at bay during the day. This is when I decide... Do I believe all that I've preached? Do I truly grasp that I have a Father who not only speaks into me, "identity", but also cares enough to provide for my everyday needs? These are the nights I battle from theology to reality. These are the nights that wear me out.

   Today, I will move forward. Today, hope is all that motivates and drives me toward destiny. Today, I get to choose. Today, I choose life. It's time for my mind to rest. Time for my spirit to take a leading role, to draw me closer... deeper to my Father's embrace. 

   When Tiffany passed away in my arms, I took a moment and held up her little hand and asked Jesus to come take his bride. I have since had visions of her dancing and jumping with Jesus. What a picture of triumph that is. Yesterday, I felt Jesus turn toward me and say, "Come, join us in the dance."

   I sometimes forget that "The Kingdom of God is at hand." That I don't have to wait until I die to experience the joy of playing with Jesus. What a refreshing thought that is. I have a Father who will provide for me and my savior who wants to dance me through the steps. With the comfort Holy Spirit provides, I feel I can move from past to future. The picture is a perfect storm of love, protection and joy. These are the things my spirit can grasp. These are the place my mind resists. This is the battle I continue to fight, but for now... it's early and my body needs rest. Happy birthday, Tam.