Just Being Honest

These are the days that test everything I think I know about God... Does He really care or even see me? Does He have great plans for me or does He give me just enough to get by? Am I really big enough to get in His way and mess up all He has in store for me? These are the moments when I compare my journey to Moses facing Pharaoh and demanding that he "Let God's people go" with not only everything they possessed, but also with all the spoils of Egypt as well. These are the situations that stretch the fabric of my faith to the point of tearing. What do I really believe?

Here we are, getting ready to move across the entire nation with no travel route planned and no place to settle when we get there. We have nothing more than a couple of chairs, a bed and a job waiting in unfamiliar territory. Up to this point, all of this looked like one big adventure. Tonight it feels like we're facing the fiery furnace. We've come too far to turn back and are precariously balanced on each step forward. Nothing seems certain, each spot we place our feet feels as if it could be our last. I lay awake at night wondering if I'm now too old to appreciate a good adventure or am I just too tired to see the light at the end of the tunnel? I suppose time alone will tell.

What ever happened to testimony? Where are the stories, from this generation, of the big, big God we sing about? Have we become so self sufficient that we've worked miracles right out of the picture? Have we pulled away so far that God can no longer even find us?

Lately I've been seeing the number 111 all over the place. Jeff mentioned that his phone displayed that number as he read to me another counter offer we received on our house. The offer was incredibly low and broke my heart. I went into my bedroom and cried out to God (not in a noble way, but more resembling a kid throwing a tantrum). When I finished, several minutes later, I looked something up on my phone and noticed it said the same thing... 111. Usually, mine and Jeff's phones display the exact same time at the exact same moments. This time, they seemed to be several minutes off. Tonight I looked up Psalm 111 to see what it said. Here is the revised standard version...

Psalm 111 ~ Praise the Lord!
I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart,
    in the company of the upright, in the congregation.
² Great are the works of the Lord,
    studied by all who have pleasure in them.
³ Full of honor and majesty is his work,
    and his righteousness endures for ever.
⁴ He has caused his wonderful works to be remembered;
    the Lord is gracious and merciful.
⁵ He provides food for those who fear him;
    he is ever mindful of his covenant.
⁶ He has shown his people the power of his works,
    in giving them the heritage of the nations.
⁷ The works of his hands are faithful and just;
    all his precepts are trustworthy,
⁸ they are established for ever and ever,
    to be performed with faithfulness and uprightness.
⁹ He sent redemption to his people;
    he has commanded his covenant for ever.
    Holy and terrible is his name!
¹⁰ The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom;
    a good understanding have all those who practice it.
    His praise endures for ever!

A friend who stopped by mentioned that she was envious and excited too see the life we were about to embark on. Adventure often looks different to those watching on the outside then it does to those experiencing it. As I prepare myself for the journey, I'm reminded of the verse, "Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not yet seen (Hebrews 11:1)." There it is again... 111. 

As I stated earlier, I'm at the point of no return. All I can say is the same thing Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed′nego said when about to be thrown into the furnace... "My God can save us. My God will save us, but if He doesn't, He is still God!"