Words are Powerful

This morning I pulled out one of my old Bibles, because I was looking for some verses I had been praying over someone a long time ago. In the front, I have blank pages where I often write down things that are very important to me at the time I am using that particular Bible. I ran across the following:

Epitaph ~
To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty;
To find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a beautiful child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier because I have lived...
   This is to succeed!

This must have been a poem I read years ago and decided that this would be such a part of my life, that I would want it read at my funeral. At the time, I'm sure it was an aspiration, something I had not yet acquired, but spoke deeply to my spirit. Today I look at it and realized how much these simple words had become a sort of map or vision as to how I wanted to live my life and be known.  Today, I see that much of it is who I now am.

Words... They may seem flippant and easily forgotten. I believe that as a Christian, as a daughter of the creator of the universe, that my words are not only important, but they are powerful. They can change atmospheres, circumstances and lives. When I speak, as the daughter of the king, my words go out into the universe... into the 2nd heaven, and things begin to change. My words carry power and authority.

The above poem was a great things to be speaking over my own life, but how often have I spoken curses... words of destruction over myself and others. If my positive words carry power, then so do my negative words.

I've recently heard that in heaven, there is a courtroom. The "accuser" visits often and presents to God (the judge) every powerfully destructive word I have ever spoken. The judge, being also my father, has given me authority and a free will to use words either as a weapon for good or for destruction. He also stands behind his decision to let me live with the consequence of that power. When I join with the enemy and choose his way over the way of my father, then I have made a contract that can't easily be broken. I am bound by that contract.

There is one other person in that courtroom. Jesus stands in as my defense. He offers me an opportunity to break the contract, with the enemy, and then he covers it with his own life... his blood... a sacrifice in payment for the punishment I deserve.  The judge accepts this act as "payment in full" and throws the case out of court.

In the above scenario, I have a part to play. I have to boldly go to the throne room. I have to be willing to stand before the judge, my father, knowing that I have chosen someone over him. I have to then ask for forgiveness, break the contract with the enemy, and let Jesus defend me with his own life. This is hard and heartbreaking to do, but in the end... I am free!  My father takes nothing from me. I still retain all the power and authority He had originally given me, but now I am sent out to do it differently. I am sent out, once again, to change atmospheres, circumstances and lives... for the better. This is what it is to be a Christian.

Guardian Angel Vlog on You Tube

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-f1jmhIWJg&list=PLNdJBE7lI0Y_pAqCxHwqLlNsWoDXDLyh1

The Cure For Getting Old

When I went through counseling to become a Certified Christian Counselor, I learned that when you reach your mid-fifties you go through a transformation. You become something quite different than you were when you were young. A lot of people call this a "Mid-life Crisis".

For me, this really was becoming a crisis. I developed Fear in my otherwise carefree life. My love of adventure became stifled as I made room for this new, un-welcomed creature. I didn't understand how it got here. Maybe it arrived in oposition to all the freedom I was now able to taste. My kids were all gone.  My husband was leaving his life-long job to spread his wings in another arena. I was finally at home and able to do anything my heart desired. Maybe a life that wasn't inhibited by structure was just too foreign for me and I was having a hard time with the whole transition. Whatever the case, I wasn't enjoying this partnership with Fear.

Yesterday, I got home from a visit to my youngest daughter's place in Southern California. She is a "Child of Adventure" in an area where all kinds of new adventures are born. One morning she suggested that we try something new... Floating (I will post a link at the bottom of this page for those of you wishing to know more). Floating? Sounds harmless, said the inner "me" still allowing room for fear. I agreed before thinking too much about what it might entail. An out-of-the-box adventure may be just the thing I need to get past this "feeling old" self I was becoming. Little did I know, I wasn't getting out-of-the-box, but was about to go into-the box and have to face Fear head on.

Floating is an experience that can be quite different for everyone. It is the process of climbing into a pitch black container of Epson salt water and floating, alone, for an hour and a half. Who does this kind of stuff?!? I love being alone. It gives me time to talk to God and think up all kinds of creative new things to try. So why was I quickly becoming apprehensive to this experience? I truly believe it was because I brought Fear in with me.

We were escorted to our private rooms. I showered off and climbed into what looked like a meat locker. The owner of the establishment had mentioned that I could leave the door cracked if I felt claustrophobic, but that I should close it when I became comfortable so that I could really experience the full effect of the process. How do you become comfortable, naked, in a black box, locked in with a creature you detest? I climbed in.

I'm sure that if I was being filmed, it would have been quite comical. The box has plenty of room and the water is only about 18" deep, but I felt like I couldn't reach the bottom because I couldn't see it. The salt water is body temperature and so is the air around you. You don't know if you're actually in or out of the water. There is so much salt that you can't sink, so you can't drown. I laid down, twitching and turning, trying to find a comfortable spot to lay for and hour and a half. The owner had said that I would probably fall asleep while in there. Yeah, right?  This is going to be the longest hour and a half of my life, I thought.

Everything began to bother me. When I closed my eyes, I felt like I was slowly turning to the left. That was impossible, since the box is only a 5' x 8' tub. I opened my eyes and kept my vision focused on the crack in the door to steady myself. Next, I thought, "OK, God, let's talk"... I got nothing.  This was very unusual for me. He said nothing in return, even more unusual. I felt like an hour and a half would never end unless I did something I should have done long ago. I had to evict my room mate, Fear.

Quietly, so as not to disturb the peaceful atmosphere I was supposed to be experiencing, I forced my bottom down so I could sit up. I told Fear there wasn't any room for him in this tank or in my life anymore and that he would have to leave. Then I closed the door, completely. This time I laid down, quickly found a comfortable position and relaxed. Once in a while I heard myself snort (which meant I had, in fact, been asleep), but I could never really tell if I was asleep or awake. A few minutes passed (actually... it was an hour and a half, but felt like only moments). I heard faint music playing. This indicated that our time was over and I could get out and shower off. How long had the music been playing? How did my daughter do in the tank next door? How much time did I have to get dressed? Anxiety was waiting to replace fear in my life, but I quickly recognized it and said, "No".  It's time for me to enjoy my life and regain the part of my youth I lost.

So, what's the cure for getting old? For me, it was finding someone to remind me who I really was. I birthed an "Adventure Girl" because I was a girl of adventure myself. Being with Cody reminded me of who I really was and helped me to brush off anything else that was trying to make me believe otherwise. I thanked God for my daughter, my life and the rest I just got, then walked out feeling young again.

The floating process:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQC_mJZ3MQM
The place we went: http://www.newportfloat.com/

New Chapters

A chapter of my life is coming to a close. Times like these always cause me to look back onto other sections of my life that have come to completion. I love doing this because I get to see how much I've grown, how far I've come, how many things I've learned...

This morning I was thinking about some particularly hard beginnings, most of which involved Tiffany, our middle daughter. Periods of time where I faced things like: Having her opened up for surgery and wondering if she would survive sedation; Making a choice to place her in a group home (for a time) so our family could heal, Having a G-tube surgically inserted to give her relief from aspirating everything she swallowed; And finally... her death in my arms. These were very difficult chapters to start, but their endings never ceased to surprise me.

 Bad beginnings don't always have terrible endings. Sometimes you have to start down a treacherous trail to find that it eventually banks right and leads you to an oasis you never would have discovered if you hadn't taken the journey. I have lots of friends in these places right now. Know that you are being watched and prayed over every step of your reluctant adventure. There is so much to discover and others are learning too as they watch you maneuver through your choices.

Life often opens new chapters without us ever getting to voice a "say" whether or not we want to embark on their course. We kick and fuss, crying about how awful these circumstances are. We become so focused on the problem that we never even notice that we have officially begun a new adventure. It isn't until days like today, that we get to look back and appreciate the journey itself.

In the next couple of weeks, I'll be ending a job and beginning several other new positions. I plan to begin this new chapter with eyes-wide-open and my heart in adventure-mode. I don't want to miss a single moment or waste any time giving attention to things that will slow me down. I want to boldly go where this girl has not gone before. I want to LIVE before I die and leave a legacy that inspires others to live life to its fullest.

So today, I leave you with a question to kick-start your next adventure... If time and money were not an issue, what journey would you set course for? Now, let the adventure begin!

Sustainability

I love the following definition for sustainability: "Among the many ways that sustainability has been defined, the simplest and most fundamental is: "the ability to sustain" or, put another way, "the capacity to endure."

Sustainability has not only been my passion, but has also been the theme of my life thus far. When I was a child, I used to play "pretend" with all the other kids on my block. They would pretend that they lived in nice little homes and cooked nice little dinners for their families. Basically, they would play "house". I would play "ranch". My ranch was large, had all the modern conveniences, and was constantly in the state of growth. Maybe these games set the pattern for my future.

"The ability to sustain... The capacity to endure."

Today, I find myself longing for the time to "play ranch". I had to return to work after my middle child passed away, which left me little time to create the sustainable environment of my dreams. The other night, I was frustrated and pouring out my disappointment in a conversation with my husband. He said something profound!  He said, "You are creating sustainability. You're doing it where you work."

I never thought about that. I am a manager at a wholesale/retail nursery. I love to train and I love to see people walk into their true "giftings".  I work with a group of incredible young and gifted leaders. It's so much fun to see them discover their strengths, work on their short-comings and blossom into the leaders they were born to be. As I work with them, I get to revisit my role as "mother" that I lost when my daughter died. In training them, I accomplish several goals... I get to pay off debt by working; I get to train a team of potential leaders; and I get to create something that will last long after I'm gone. I get to be sustainable.

Sustainability... The ability to sustain, the capacity to endure. What is the theme of your life?

Being Female

Recently, I've been reading Danny Silk's book, "Powerful & Free", Confronting The Glass Ceiling For Women In The Church.  He points out the theology behind women being powerful leaders in all realms of society... even the church.  This is causing me to look back on a few things in my life.

My Dad raised three very strong willed little girls. He taught them to be bold and independent, although I think it always surprises him when we act on the lessons he subliminally taught us. All three of us turned out to be very strong women. I am the oldest. My middle sister leads a women's group in a church and referees in the public sector. I believe no man would ever dare to stand up to her "calls" on the field. She is ferocious and very strong in her convictions. My youngest sister has a quiet strength and has truly become one of my favorite mentors in this area. She knows how to stay connected in confrontation, thus being one of the favorite aunts to all the nieces and nephews. I am so proud to be connected to such powerful women.

My Mom was the one who gave me the foundation for how I'm choosing to walk in all this power. When I was young, I would share with her all my wild ideas and ambitions. She would encourage and walk with me as I tried out each path... cross country running, sewing, leading a drill team, etc. When she was with me, I thought I could do anything! I also watched her closely because I recognized that she had a key to this truth. Here's is what I saw.

When she and my dad had a disagreement, she wouldn't shout and yell back at him. She would just quietly state her point and then let him do all the talking. When they were done, she would go to her quiet place and talk to God about the situation. She would spend all kinds of time quoting God's own word back to Him until she came to a place where she could be comforted and let Holy Spirit work on my dad, Himself. The key was knowing her Daddy and knowing Jesus gave her the freedom to come boldly to His throne and reason with Him.

Since then, I've learned some other things about God and His promises for me as His daughter. He makes sure I have plenty of tools and the ability to pass any test He calls me into. These things are both for my good and the good of those I'm around. He gives me His Spirit of wisdom and gentleness to temper my own personality. My favorite, though, is He gives me favor in the places He asks me to join Him in. This is what favor looks like...

I was the first person promoted to manager when I worked at Mervyn's, in Lompoc. The store manager said I was too socially incorrect to ever be a manager, but God had different plans. I was asked to teach a Bible study called "Experiencing God" to a group of Board Members in a church where women were not allowed to teach men (the Board consisted of men), I have been promoted in places where I was the last hired and I have been able to stay connected to people who would normally become my enemies in such situations. These are not things I could do on my own. I wouldn't even choose to do these things on my own. This is what happens when The God of Creation, my Daddy, calls me to partner with Him in something He wants to accomplish. He raises me up to be Powerful just as He is Powerful. This does not elevate the creation (me), it elevates the creator (Him). I just get to enjoy His glory with Him because I'm his kid, His daughter!

Old Wine Skins vs Tupperware

In my last post, I wrote about a lightning strike that hit our ranch. I thought that was the end of that story until I met a man named Josh Brewer.

One night, Josh felt like he heard the Lord tell him to go outside and look up at the sky. He looked up and saw lightning strike the foothills, at the top of 168. This would have been my town of Auberry, from his perspective in the valley. He then saw it hit one spot after another until it made a complete circle around Fresno. Every place the lightning hit, a fire began. The fires grew until they all touched each other and completed the circle around Fresno. He said he felt like the Lord was showing him how He would move on Fresno's behalf.

How interesting that God brought the following verse to mind, for me as I popped in a C.D. and drove to work, the day after lightning had actually hit our property:

Job 27:15 says, "Do you know how God controls the clouds and makes the lightning flash?"

I love how God messes with our mindsets!!! Just when I think I have Him all figured out, He throws me a curve ball just to see if I'll reach out and catch it. I grew up in a culture that explained God as a "just" god, willing to destroy entire cities for the sake of justice. I later learned to view God as a "loving Daddy" who I couldn't imagine intentionally punishing someone to get them to love Him. Currently, He is expanding my heart to see that He is super creative in His ways of getting our attention. He sent lightning to show me that I am part of a very important plan. I had to stand in Josh's shoes to see what a special gift this is. Josh's position gave me a different perspective of my situation.

God is pouring out new wine and we keep trying to put it into our old wine skins, our old ways of thinking. It's not as simple as just getting a new wine skin to hold these downloaded revelations. Our version of new wine skins tend to look just like the old ones. What if they look completely different? What if they look like Tupperware? Would we recognize and accept them as being what God needs us to have to process what He's telling us in this era?  Can we step out of our past comfort zone to embrace something new and creative (just like Him)?  These are the things we're going after. This is the thing that keeps us alive and alert. This is what we were created for.

How about you? What makes you alive? I truly want to know, because I think we were created to benefit from each other. You have something I need and visa-versa. We each fit together with each other. Imagine the possibilities of that concept. Imagine a life of connection.

When Trouble Comes In Clumps

The Friday before last was filled with tremendous weirdness. While at work, I got word that there had been a fatal car vs motorcycle accident on the main road home. Hours later, when I got in my car to head home, I remembered the warning and was watching for skid marks in the road, indicating where the wreck had taken place. A few miles into my journey, I noticed a Cal Trans worker on the side of the road. He was making unfamiliar hand signals and caught my attention. As I slowed down to take a closer look, I saw that it was my husband. I pulled off the road and walked back to where he was.

These are the places in my life where I begin to ask questions. I have constant conversations with God about odd situations that constantly appear in my life. I rarely ever ask the question "Why?"  Usually I ask things like this.., "Did you intentionally suggest to Jeff and I to wear fluorescent shirts today because you knew we'd be involved in something like this?" I'm always wondering what God is up to and excited to see the part I get to play in His adventures.

So there stood Jeff and I with our fluorescent shirts, slowing traffic down on the blind curve so the oncoming traffic wouldn't hit the cars slowing down for the detour ahead. We stayed until the mess was well controlled. Then we learned that there was more trouble ahead. A lightning storm had begun to brew and two fires broke out near the crews cleaning up the accident. It was strange to drive past sheriffs, highway patrol, fire trucks, coroners, etc... all at the same spot.  We thought the days events were over.  

When we arrived home, we saw two fires burning on our mountain. We didn't know it then, but lightning had apparently hit something that knocked out our well pump and phone lines, which in turn, blew out our computer and modem. As Jeff investigated that situation, he heard kittens crying all over our yard. Their mom must have been taken by one of the local predators. This is how things happen in our life.  Not in ones or twos, but in clumps. These are the places that churn up more questions in my mind. Questions like, "What should I be seeing or hearing in this situation?  What do I need to learn while I'm here?"

Job 27:15 says, "Do you know how God controls the clouds and makes the lightning flash?" This verse brought even more questions to mind.., "Did you direct this lightning or do you just put a system in place and it kind of runs on its own?" I don't think we need to be afraid to ask God questions. He made us for relationship and loves anything that brings us close to Him... even our questions. 

This is a good place to state that I don't build a theology on events that happen in my life. If I did, then I'd be tempted to look at God as a big mean, unfair being.  Instead, I try to learn from these events knowing that God is love and made me because He wanted someone to love. I try to view my circumstances from His truth rather than create a theology based on my current wound.

So, here I am today. Waiting for temporary water to be delivered and the phone repair man to come assess our situation. God promised that He already knows my needs (Matt 6:8) and that He is ready to perform His own word (Jeremiah 1:12). I'm not worried. I'm just wondering what new revelations He will show me in this process. Whatever they are, they will be for my good and not my destruction (Jeremiah 19:11)!

T & J's

When my husband and I went to a School of Supernatural Ministry, We were required to move in "faith". The best way to do that was to "risk" by stepping out in what we learned. One thing we learned was that Jesus modeled Kingdom when he walked this Earth. He limited himself to moving only in that which a man could do so that we would be able to pattern after Him (John 14:12 "Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father."). Now that He lives in me, there's no limit to that adventure.

Yesterday we went to lunch and were able to move in, what our school referred to as "T & J's" (Tam and Jeff's... a name the school fondly called what we have fun with when we're in restaurants and Jesus wants to love on the people around us). Here's what our February 27 T & J looked like...

Our waitress came to our table and my husband looked right into her eyes and gave her a "word of knowledge". The simplest explanation for a word of knowledge is this: Learning to speak something Holy Spirit says to you, about the person standing in front of you, that only God would know. Remember,  We went to school to learn how to move in these things. We had to learn how to recognize God's voice and be able to discern it from all the other voices that want to speak to us too (including our own). This tool is a great door opener for Jesus to show how much He loves someone. Jeff moves in this particular gift easily, so off he went. The word Jeff gave her was, "You love Jesus, don't you?"

I have to say, I probably would have been a little less forward, but that girl was completely shocked and then said, "Yes! Thank you so much for saying that." This opened an entire dialog between us and we were thrilled to see her entire countenance brighten.

After she left the table, I asked Jeff why he was so direct, instead of gently getting around to the point. He said he was learning to be more direct and risk even more.

Next, I received a prophetic word for this young lady. A prophetic word, something we also learned in school, is simply a word that encourages someone and allows them to move into their destiny. It isn't something I think up, it's something Holy Spirit sees... a key... that the person in front of me needs to unlock a door.  When our waitress came back, I explained to her that I spend a lot of time praying over children in the hospital. Since they don't talk, I ask Holy Spirit what to pray over them. These aren't pleading words, these are words of declaration because I know they are from His heart... His will.  I told her I had one of those kinds of words for her and I asked if she'd like to hear it.  She was leery, but because of Jeff's word of knowledge, her walls were coming down and she was ready to trust me.

I only spoke what I felt Holy Spirit was speaking to my heart. I told her that she was created to be relational, so much so that she would know which doors to walk through based on whether or not it would take her to a place where she could move in that ability.  It was a key that would unlock just the right door for her in the future.  She began to cry.

This is the part that is always so amazing. God loves to touch that one place in a person that no one but Him knows.  This young lady was adopted. She just learned that her biological mother was in hospice and she had never met her. Her adopted mother was urging her to meet her before it was too late. The girl was confused and scared. She didn't know what to do. Isn't it just like Papa God to bring two complete strangers into her life just to hand her a key?  "Go through the doors that allow for you to be relational."  She got it!  She had her answer. I didn't give it to her, Papa God did. She asked for direction and He was faithful and lovingly gave it to her in a way she would remember forever. That, my friends, is moving in the supernatural. That is bringing God's Kingdom to Earth. That is allowing Jesus, in me, to do what He did when He was here. This is where Christianity becomes fun!!!

Thy Kingdom Come

   Moving from theology to reality is fun, exciting and empowering. It also has many enormous bumps in the road, mostly from huge paradigm trees that fall along the way. I think it's interesting that Holy Spirit gently reveals things in my life, that I somehow grabbed hold of as truth, holds it up to the light of Jesus and His life and lovingly "falls" my trees. For me, the tree usually falls right in my path so that I can then crawl over it as a final act of a new found revelation and strength.  This adventure occurs over and over in my life. One of these trees that fell was the great, "Thy Kingdom Come."

   Today is the one month marker of our sweet daughter, Tiffany, leaving one realm for another. I imagine her spending all her time in Papa God's love, going for walks and dancing with Jesus, but I also imagine there is more... She spent her whole life learning and imparting "unconditional love" to everyone around her. She was a fierce warrior in her battle to live and to continue this kind of ministry. I often wonder what else she learned during those times she and Jesus spent together, traveling in the spirit or just enjoying each other's company, while here on Earth. I would often see her look right past me and giggle at something else that had joined us in the room. I believe she had connected with The Kingdom and wasn't just waiting for heaven to come. After all that training, I wonder how she spends her days now. There must be more to heaven.

   With all that said, what did Jesus mean by his words, "Thy Kingdom Come," or "The Kingdom of God is at hand," or "The Kingdom of God is like...____?"  If He was the walking/talking envelopment of His father's kingdom, and He lives in us, then now how does "Thy Kingdom Come" look?  This is where Christianity takes off and becomes something much more fun and exciting than I once learned in the religious settings I'd grown up in.  This is where Jesus becomes real in my life.

   The encounters I have with Him, and the ones I get to see others have, are pieces of heaven blasting through to Earth as a means of charring off the gunk that has settled on The Bride. She is no longer a wounded body, waiting for her prince to come rescue her from this world's clutches. She is now a warrior, becoming cleaner, stronger with each burst of His encounter. He will return to a beautiful bride and He is placing His kingdom in her right now.

   I'm becoming more intentional about fostering the piece of Kingdom He has placed in me. The piece I carry may look different than the piece you carry. We were meant to be a Body. I need what you carry. what Jesus is growing in you. Together, we become stronger and more beautiful. We are becomimg a Bride worthy of The Lamb, not because of what we do, but because of what He's doing in us. I'm ready to move further into something I saw Tiffany carry everywhere she went. I'm ready to join with others who are ready to do the same. I'm ready to host and lead others into their own personal "blast" from heaven. I'm ready to change the world, just as Tiffany did... just as Jesus did... one loving encounter at a time.

Who Am I, And Who Are You?

   Yesterday, we said good-bye to our youngest as she headed back to Southern California, after having helped us bury our middle child. Suddenly, and finally, we were alone. Now what?!?

   My husband and I have been very intentional, over the past couple of years, learning how to reconnect. We realized that although we lived together for over 30 years, we had become two completely different people. We had been living parallel lives. When we braved gazing further down the road, we realize that our paths would never intersect again unless we changed something. We had to come up with a plan to join again as partners. This wasn't an easy process.

   It didn't take Jeff and I long to discover that we had somehow become polar opposite. We couldn't think of anything we agreed upon or even liked to do together. Was this, indeed, a new discovery, or had we always been this way? Did we ever have anything in common? What caused us to be attracted to and marry each other in the first place? It was hard to even think back over so many years. Harder still to find a resolution. I am happy to say, determination and love, although not just feelings, can be very effective motivators.

   All of that happened several years ago. We eventually found areas where we could venture into each other's territories, places we could sacrifice for the sake of connection. We learned about each other's strengths and fears. We discovered that we didn't need to be identical, to get along, we just needed to appreciate the differences in each other. To value the perspective the other one had. Our favorite analogy was that of a dollar bill. It's one dollar, intended for one purpose, but if you described either side of the bill, it would sound like two entirely different pieces of paper. We are that dollar bill. Two entirely different people, designed to fit together for some purpose. Now to discover our purpose.

   So, yesterday began a new journey for us. We are now completely in Papa God's hands and totally dependent on His provision, direction, and strength. This is a place of total trust. This is where "faith" becomes more than just a cliche used in churches. This is where we discover who we truly are, at the core, and where we learn to cling to the attributes in each other. This is a place every married couple should venture into before they find themselves alone, wondering if they have anything in common anymore. This is marriage.

   Just so you know... Our day ended up being one of the best we'd ever had. We took advantage of this beautiful place we call home, and turned it into a honeymooner's paradise. I can't wait to see what adventures are waiting for us today.

Strange Times

   "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..." The historical novel, 'A Tale of Two Cities', by Charles Dickens, eloquently sums up this particular day in my life. 

   Today is my birthday. Yesterday, I buried my daughter and in a couple of days, we'll have a final party to celebrate her life. The best and worst of times all rolled up into one week. I find myself lost in a battle of the mind vs the spirit, here in the wee morning hours. Most of what I did in life (including my vocation) has been wrapped up in one very precious, but demanding, task... to keep Tiffany alive. Today I am expected to celebrate my life. What a daunting task in the midst of everything else going on. 

   Here is the place faith and reality collide. This is that moment when "fear" of the unknown wakes me, in the middle of the night, and probes at all the insecurities I've managed to keep at bay during the day. This is when I decide... Do I believe all that I've preached? Do I truly grasp that I have a Father who not only speaks into me, "identity", but also cares enough to provide for my everyday needs? These are the nights I battle from theology to reality. These are the nights that wear me out.

   Today, I will move forward. Today, hope is all that motivates and drives me toward destiny. Today, I get to choose. Today, I choose life. It's time for my mind to rest. Time for my spirit to take a leading role, to draw me closer... deeper to my Father's embrace. 

   When Tiffany passed away in my arms, I took a moment and held up her little hand and asked Jesus to come take his bride. I have since had visions of her dancing and jumping with Jesus. What a picture of triumph that is. Yesterday, I felt Jesus turn toward me and say, "Come, join us in the dance."

   I sometimes forget that "The Kingdom of God is at hand." That I don't have to wait until I die to experience the joy of playing with Jesus. What a refreshing thought that is. I have a Father who will provide for me and my savior who wants to dance me through the steps. With the comfort Holy Spirit provides, I feel I can move from past to future. The picture is a perfect storm of love, protection and joy. These are the things my spirit can grasp. These are the place my mind resists. This is the battle I continue to fight, but for now... it's early and my body needs rest. Happy birthday, Tam.

Closing Down A Chapter

Our Ladybug

   This blog, and my life, are about to make a huge change. On November 29, 2014, my sweet little Tiffany fought her last battle against the disease that had tried to steal her away so many times before. This time, she didn't lose the battle, but instead... broke through the enemies lines, not only for herself, but for so many others as well.

   I've learned, from Tiffany's 30 years in our family, that a diagnoses can sometimes be a curse. Once someone speaks something over your family, you spend a lot of time either accepting or rejecting the words they uttered.  Words like, "She will never live a normal life"... "She won't live much into her teens"... "Death will be violent and terrible"... "You can't continue to live like this."  In the end, Tiffany not only dispelled, but completely annihilated most of what was said about her.

   Life with Tiffany was unusual. Once we realized that we could function, not only as a family, but also as a ministry team with her, everything became a huge adventure. Tiffany taught us that we had choices. We could "go after" anything we wanted or we could sit around, making excuses as to why life was so hard. Tiffany, herself, was always making the choice to continue on. We've lost count as to how many times she flirted with death and then dropped him in his tracks. She was, indeed, a Super Hero.

   I am a different person for having known Tiffany. I am stronger, bolder, and have learned to love fiercely. I am ready to put on my "big girl panties" and look for "Warrior Required" signs in my life. I have been given the ability to find joy in even the hardest times and to seek out open doors in what once looked like dead ends. I didn't grow up a daughter... she "grew up" me.

   I will always love and miss my little ladybug, but I know that the same heart I birth into her, 30 years ago, beats strongly in me. I will live, and live well, because she taught me how.

Over-Achievers Unite!

   I don't know about you, but I'm the type of person who loves to get things "off my plate", well before they're due.  I pay my bills early, turn in homework on time, and am constantly in search of ways to keep the world at peace.  As you can imagine, this can become quite and unnecessary chore and an even dangerous way of life.  Realizing that it may have something to do with control and knowing that control usually reveals some kind of fear, I have learned to back off and take things a bit more in stride.  Having said all that, I recently realized that I may not be as "healthy" as I thought, when it comes to striving.

   A while back, my car registration was due.  It was a rare moment, when I had an extra amount of money in my account, so I paid it right away.  Months went by and I began to wonder why I hadn't received my tags.  I got busy, but eventually I reached the point when that "little voice" became so loud that I stopped all activity and made the dreaded DMV call.  You know the one... the "please hold for the next available customer service representative" call.  I dialed and waited, paid bills and waited, painted my nails and waited, and waited, and waited.  When a live voice finally answered, I explained my situation and she told me that my stickers had not been sent because I needed a smog test.

Shoot!  How did I miss that?  I was so excited to get something off my plate that I didn't even notice what all I needed to do to reach the desired result.  Still busy, it took me weeks to be able to get my car smogged.  Once done, I breathed a huge sigh of relief at having accomplished, once again, the task at hand.  I waited.  Nothing came in the mail.  Back to the phone for a second call to the DMV.  I sincerely hoped I wouldn't run out of brainless activity to keep me busy while I sat on "hold". 

Suddenly the glorious, human voice answered.  This time, she explained to me that my tags weren't sent because the smog test had been done so late. 

"You now have another registration payment due."

"You've got to be kidding.  It hasn't been a whole year yet."

"We send out notices two months early, so in our eyes... you're late."

She had just hit my "justice button".  I knew that it rarely benefits anyone to argue with an employee who is only following directions.  I asked if this was the last surprise I would encounter if I paid-by-phone.  She assured me it would be.  I paid and continued my vigilant "wait" for the tags to arrive.  Several weeks later I drug myself to the phone and pulled out a children's coloring book, which I fully intended to fill up, as I prepared to sit on hold, once again, with the DMV.

My call was everything I expected (side note: expectation often opens doors to self-fulfilling prophecy!).  This time I was informed that there were several "late fees" and "charges" involved with my case.  Dang!  I waited for the written notice to come in the mail before making any further payments.

In the mean time... I was pulled over for speeding.  That was, in itself, a rather weird event that I won't go into at this time.  The officer noticed that my license was blocked by Tiffany's wheelchair rack and that I didn't have a current registration in my possession.  I thought she was going to get a cramp in her fingers by the time she finished writing all my mistakes in her ticket book.  What a day that turned out to be.

Being the pro-active person I am, I went home and looked up on-line traffic school.  Come to find out, they offer a comedy course (which, by the way, isn't funny at all!).  When my ticket came in, I paid the fine and took the traffic school course.  Time lapsed and here we are, the week of my court date.  I found an officer, yesterday, and pulled over to ask him to sign off on the registration part of my ticket.  He did.  I decided to pass the time by explaining to him about the traffic school and fine I paid.  He asked me why I did either.  I told him I did it because that was the expectation, according to all the notices I was receiving.  He let me know that the speeding and license plate placement were both just verbal warnings and the registration would only cost $25 to file, now that it was signed off.

"Are you kidding me?"

"Don't get many tickets, do you ma'am?"

"Is it that obvious?"

"Are you an over-achiever?"

"Are you prophetic?"

OK, so the last question I didn't ask out loud.  This week I need to drive down town to explain the whole humiliating mess to yet another employee.  I do hope they don't put me on "hold".  By the way, today Jeff met the nice officer who explained my ticket to me.  It's a good thing the officer remembered me from yesterday.  It made it much easier on Jeff as he received his first "fix-it" ticket.

Things That Make Me Go Hmmmm.

Today I was making some no-bake "Energy Cookies" from a recipe I received on Facebook from my friend Annie Jones-Henson. I will list the recipe at the end of this article. As I mixed the ingredients together, I thought... What if I replace some of the ground flax seed with chia seed? Chia is the new "everything" seed. This is when I began to go hmmmm.

How do you supposed things like eating chia seed is discovered? Did some unfortunate child decide to eat their chia-head Christmas present from Aunt Hazel? Did he become instantly "regular" afterward? Did he break out with amazing strength and the ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound?  What other strange discoveries do we have that make you wonder about the person behind the epiphany? Eating oysters and finding a pearl is something that immediately comes to mind. Who would dive that deep into the ocean, pick up an apparently ugly rock, pray it open and eat the snot-like substance in the center only to discover that it was not only delicious, but it contained a small bead that would look lovely on his cave dwelling wife?  What about the people behind the T.V. show "Criminal Minds"? How messed up is their imagination to dream up the details of each episode (it is one of my favorite shows, by the way).

The other day I was combating ants with a home-made bait. It called for boric acid. Apparently, the ingredient I keep far away from my own body and wash my hands thoroughly when finished handling it is the same ingredient found in a common laundry detergent. Did someone discover that boric acid kills ants before they realized how clean their white were after dragging them through the potion, or did all the ants drop off their children when they dressed him in his sparkling clean outfits?  Maybe some things aren't meant to be thought about so deeply.

This morning I was reading a book about John G. Lake.  He confronted a man who was comparing Christianity to Christian Scientology.  The man reasoned that Christian Scientologists find scientific reasons for people being healed while Christians believe that healing can come through miraculous means like a Christian laying his hands on someone and praying for healing.  John G. Lake praised him for his findings, but then asked, "You recommended divine healing in one breath and denied its potency in the next. You have attacked Christian Science and arraigned them at the bar and condemned them, without giving to men a tangible way to which the healing of God might be brought to them. Why do you not study and practice Jesus Christ's own way of healing and so make your ministry constructive?"

That is definitely something that makes me go hmmmmm.

Energy Balls (my version)

2 cups oatmeal
1 cup chocolate chips
1 cup peanut butter
3/4 cup ground flax
1/4 cup chia seeds
2/3 cup honey
2 tsp. vanilla

Mix, roll into balls, enjoy (no baking).

A Day of Surprises

This morning I went about my day in the usual way... Suction and feed my daughter, water the garden, feed the chickens...  I noticed something weird when I was out in the chicken yard. One of the chicks was missing.

It may be important to note that today is Sunday. On Sundays, I'm usually in a hurry so we can travel an hour to get to church by 10:30.  I don't notice much of anything as I dash around doing chores on this particular day, so it was strange that I notice one missing chick in a field full of birds.  I opened the gate and took a look around. No sign of the little critter. I began to wondered if we had some kind of monster sized gopher coming up at night and eating our young fowl. I turned to leave and then spotted it's little camouflaged body stuck under some wire at the edge of the coop. Apparently, the chick had reached under to grab some tasty morsel, just out of its reach, and got caught on the fence. There was no way of knowing how long it had been there, but it was splayed out flat and looked like it had put up a good fight for its life. I gently reached down and pulled the wire back to dislodge the tiny little thing. It was then I heard a sound come from its seemingly lifeless body. The chick was still alive.  As I said, it was Sunday and we were rushing. I brought the chick in, put it in a box, prayed for a full recovery, finished getting ready, and left for church.

My husband, and I, travel an hour to church because we've found something that we hadn't been seeing in our local area. We see power! We attend a school at this church that teaches us how to love others by demonstrating the love of Jesus to them in a way that changes their lives. Let me give you an example of what happened to us at lunch today.

Because we have such a long drive, it is our custom to go to lunch after the service. Jeff, Tiffany and I were enjoying the air-conditioned atmosphere at the restaurant, on this 104+ afternoon, when Jeff and I began to feel like there was something God wanted to do with our waitress. This may sound strange to most of you out there, but often times God will put a thought into the heart of his kids and it's an invitation to join Him in His work, just like Jesus did. This is what was happening to us. Jeff began by asking the waitress if she knew that she was a woman of integrity. She looked puzzled, but thanked him for the compliment. As soon as he said that to her, I remembered several things she had done with us that demonstrated that point. I shared them with her and she began to realize that it might be true. Our lunch went on and it began again. This time, I felt like I was hearing a still small voice say, "Ask her what she uses her tips for."

"I'm not about to pry into a stranger's personal business!"  You know those conversations you have when you're trying to talk yourself out of something?  "It's offensive.  You don't just ask people that kind of stuff. It's none of my business!!!"

I wonder if God thinks I'm funny when He talks to me and I respond like He's the idiot. The thought continued in my head until I was at the point of thinking abstract things like if I should tip her double what I usually do because she might have a need for it. I also thought, what if she used her tips for something I didn't approve of? What then? Do I withhold the blessing because I did think her cause was just? 

The still small voice echoed in my head again, "Ask her."

When she came back to our table, Jeff asked the girl if she prayed. I was so wrapped up in the conversation I was having in my spirit that I was shocked by his question.

The girl looked at him, and she answered, "Yes."

"God wants you to know that He hears your prayers," was his response to her.

She began to tear up.  That's when it happened... Out of my mouth came words I had never expected to say out loud, "What do you use your tips for?"

The young girl looked into my eyes with tears pouring down her cheeks and answered, "I use my tips for the thing I've been praying about.  My rent.  I'm coming up short this month and my hours were cut.  I don't know if I can make rent."

Isn't it fun when God hears your prayers and send someone into your life just to tell you it is so?  The conversation continued and we were able to truly care for this young, beautiful girl. She asked our names and we found out hers. When we were done eating, she came over to our table and told us that a couple of women in the table next to us had paid for our meal. What a wonderful surprise! This is something we often do for others when we go out to eat, but it is rarely done for us without our knowledge.  Suddenly it dawned on me. The conversation God was having with me about the tip wasn't only for our young waitress's benefit, it was for mine. God was preparing me. Our lunch had been covered, so we now had full freedom to just bless this girl. I asked her to bring me a bill so that I could leave her a tip. She told me the tip had already been paid as well. I told her we would like to bless her again.  I looked at Jeff and he told me the amount that had come to mind. It shouldn't have surprised me that it was the same amount that came to mine.  We left a huge monetary blessing, gave her hugs and went on our way.  We giggled all the way home about how much fun we had with God at lunch.

By the way, when we got home... the chick was standing and drinking and has since rejoined the flock outside. Now, this is the kind of Christian I love being. People with the heart of Jesus walking in the power He promised we would.

Rest

We live in a very busy day and age.  Families are spending their time with jobs, school, electronics, scouts, sports, friends and even ministries. By the time evening comes, everyone is exhausted, and rarely do they want to spend time together. After all, they've usually been with people all day.

In our life, we have all kinds of activities that eat up our day and energy. We have a 44 acre ranch with crops growing and animals to care for. My husband is a contractor. His time is spent bent over or driving long distances. I'm a caregiver. My day includes lots of lifting and time spent on another person's needs. Both, my husband and I, are in school, ministries, and have lots of hobbies and projects to fill whatever time is left over each day. Rest could be illusive if we didn't spend intentional time finding and treasuring it.

 One of the things Jeff and I do most every night is we spend about an hour or so, before dinner, talking about and sharing our day. For you, this kind of activity could be a great time to find out what interests the people you live with have. It's a wonderful opportunity to give yourself permission to be still, to pay attention to the surroundings you (and God) have spent so much time, energy and money creating. How many of us are so busy that we never even notice our own home until someone comes to visit?  How many of us truly know what makes each person in our family happy or fulfilled?  Do you even know what your family's favorite colors, desserts, or places to visit are?  It's no wonder we often feel discontented. Maybe we need to spend a little time finding out how we actually connect with each other and how to rest.

New Jacuzzi

Recently, we got a "wild hair". We live in an area that is very warm in the summer and cold in the winter. I thought a pool would be an ideal answer to the summer issues. The only problem... money.  Usually, we can do just about anything we want with a little time and planning, but a pool seemed to be an expense that rested just beyond my ability to imagine.  Jeff's answer, a jacuzzi.  He explained that it didn't have to be heated in the summer and would provide a great muscle relaxer for him in the winter.  To me, that was a great expense as well, but he found one on Craig's List and was able to pick it up even cheaper when he met the owner face to face. One jacuzzi, a few pavers and pieces of wood later... we had a new and creative way to relax.  After dinner jacuzzi. What a way to prepare for a night of sweet dreams.  I would encourage everyone to become a professional person of rest. You'd be surprised how much you can get done tomorrow when you wake up refreshed.

Spring Chicks

    Last Christmas, Jeff bought me an egg incubator. A friend of mine borrowed it and said it didn't work very well. I decided I would try it for myself.  Three weeks and two days ago I placed over 30 eggs into the small Styrofoam container. I carefully watched, using a flashlight, and saw the white and yolk of the egg transform over the week. By week two, there were little critters moving around inside with big dark eyes. In the later weeks it was hard to track progress because the chick grew so fast and took up so much room inside the egg that each egg just looked dark. I felt like I had lost contact with my tiny friends.

   One day I turned the heat up a bit because it seemed to be a little chillier than usual in the box. Big mistake! By the time I went back, the interior temperature of the incubator had risen to, what I was sure was, a very dangerous degree. They had gone from a tropical paradise to a blazing desert.  That's when it happened. I began to entertain the first of many doubts as to the success of my mission.

   Today is Sunday. Last Friday I should have seen eggs hatching. Nothing happened. Something interesting transpires in your mind when you are anticipating something good but what's in front of you doesn't line up with your expectations. I began to doubt. Then I started remembering every negative thing that had happened... The incubator didn't work for my friend... I had overcooked the tiny chick wombs... Some of the water/dye had dripped on some of the eggs... the list was quickly becoming overwhelming.  Friday came and went and nothing happened. Saturday was equally uneventful and I began to plan for the worse.  I now can see how easily I am swayed by circumstances that are right in front of me. I believe what I see, or choose to look at, rather than the possibility of what could happen. My husband sensed my impending doom and secretly prayed that God would grant me the desires of my heart and fulfill the dreams I have for this ranch.

  Late Saturday afternoon I noticed that one of the eggs looked like it might have a crack.  Hours went by and nothing happened. I laid down to take a nap and I was sure I heard peeping. Sometimes I hear things that just aren't there in the natural, so I thought this might be one of those times. I would watch the eggs off and on for hours and once I thought I saw an egg rock.  Sometimes I see things that just aren't there in the natural too, so I figured I was just tired and decided to go to bed. I got up several times during the night and still no activity, but I was pretty sure I was, in fact, hearing peeps. I couldn't think of anything that makes peeping sounds in the dark of the night, so I became hopeful once again.

    This morning I could see one egg actually hatching. I turned on all the lights and began to talk to the little guy (or girl). The chick responded and moved even more. We began a conversation of encouragement, me to him and him back to me. The more I talked, the more he worked. I looked at the other eggs and had an amazing thought. If I have the mind of Christ and he could bless or curse something (like a fig tree) and that tree responded according to His words, and if greater things I would do (according to Jesus' own words), then what's to stop me from speaking to the rest of these eggs? So, I spoke! I declared that I have dominion here in this area and these are my eggs to steward. I came up with all kinds of positive statements to override the negative ones that had previously occupied my mind. I had stopped thinking about the eggs and started to imagine them as chicks. Suddenly, another egg wobbled. Then I spoke directly to the one that had been cracked from beginning, but had not moved since. I told him it was OK to come out and I heard the chick peep and then "pop", off shot a piece of his shell. I would say it was like magic, but I prefer to use the word miracle.

    Now I'm sitting here writing, when I should be getting ready for church. One chick is out, the next is on it's way and there are several tiny peep holes appearing in many of the other eggs. I will choose to focus on what God is doing here on my ranch today instead of what isn't happening. I will count my chicks, as they hatch, and count it all joy!  I also just might apply these principals to my daily life and remember to have the mind of Christ, and all His possibilities, when I pray for people who are sick and "appear" like there is nothing happening.  What have I got to lose? But I, indeed, have everything to gain!

All they know is my voice and my hand...
Kind of like my relationship with God

Angels

I had an experience several months back that still comes to mind many times a week, so I thought I'd record it here and see what kinds of phenomenon other people are running into around the world...

One rainy morning, very early (about 4:00 a.m.), I was sitting in my living room, reading. Suddenly, there was a knock at my front door. I was startled and went to the peep hole to see who it was. I saw a man, in uniform, and a sheriff car parked behind him. I opened the door and was afraid of the news he might carry. Was one of my grown children in trouble (or worse)? Had one of my animals escaped and caused havoc on the highway? Was there an intruder loose in the neighborhood? It's amazing all the questions that can process through your mind within seconds. I opened the door and the man said, "Did you call 911?"

What an odd question. Not because of it's nature, but because it was no where in the realm of thoughts speeding through my head at the time. His question totally caught me off guard. My answer was "No", but then I wondered about my husband who was still asleep in the bedroom. Was he, in fact, asleep or was he experiencing a heart attack and could only use his cell phone to get help? Before the series of unthinkable possibilities could begin to play in my brain, I thought I'd better get them under control and check out his condition myself.

"Would you like to come in?" I asked the officer. It was pouring rain, by this time, and something about him felt safe. He came in and stood on our rock entry while I went to check on Jeff.  Odd, I thought, why doesn't he search around the house in case I was actually being held by some monster and had to lie about calling 911 myself?

Jeff was groggy, but alive and well, tucked safely in his warm bed. I didn't check on Tiffany, because I knew she wasn't capable of dialing 911 herself. "Everything seems to be fine," I told the man standing in my living room. He explained to me that sometimes phone lines have a weak place in their connection and it can cause a 911 message to be sent out to officials. Hmmm. I had never heard of such a thing.

The man seemed satisfied that I was safe and now informed. He left with no further conversation or advice. I sat down to process what had just happened and noticed some peculiarities that still stand out in my mind today. 

1) The man standing in the rain had beautiful dark hair. He seemed Hispanic and his hair was full and nicely coiffed. I realized he had not been wearing a hat. Did I mention that it had been pouring rain at the time of his visit?
2) I don't recall having any Hispanic sheriffs in our small town.
3) The man's uniform was clearly visible because he wore no jacket. Who stands in the rain with no jacket?
4) The man stood on my rock entry for several minutes while I checked the house. There was no puddle where he had stood. No wet footprints to mop up. Nothing that indicated that I had just had a visitor on a very rainy morning.
5) Our buzzer that notifies me of someone is driving down our road never sounded. Not when he came, and not when he left.

I had a strange feeling that my visitor may have been something more than a sheriff. If he was, in fact, some kind of supernatural being sent to give me a message, then maybe I'd better check out what he said. When Jeff work up, I told him about the possible broken line and sure enough, there was a place that needed repair. I went online to read further about phone lines randomly dialing 911 messages when they were damaged and found nothing.

So, what does this all mean? Was I in some kind of danger that needed an angelic presence at that moment? Was he some kind of messenger that just wanted to alert us to household repairs that needed attending to? Was there an important call coming soon that I shouldn't miss? Was God just being a good Daddy and showing me that he sees me and my needs?  I don't know, but I am convinced that this wasn't any run-of-the-mill sheriff's visit.

I'm Not Getting Old

It was an exciting week. I was asked to join my friend, who was turning 92 years old, in an excursion to a neighboring casino to celebrate her birthday. She had wanted to do this last year, but was in poor health. This year, I couldn't wait to accompany her and see her long awaited wish come true and to celebrate the fact that she had lived to see another year. A party of four was formed which included my best friend (her daughter), my mother-in-law and the two of us. What fun we had as we drove the hour long trip through windy mountain roads, visiting and giggling the entire time.

There was an atmosphere of excitement as we drove into the parking lot of the giant hotel/casino near Yosemite. I think it must be something they pump into the air as you enter Indian territory. My friend, Lee, must have felt it too. She was chomping at the bit to get her hands on a one-armed bandit. I was afraid we might skip lunch and cut short the wonderful time we were having because the pull was so tremendous.

First thing's first... find a parking spot. Thank goodness my friend was 92 and qualified for a handicapped parking spot. It just so happens I have a plaque for my daughter and was thrilled that we would be able to utilize it and park close to the vacuum of adventure. The first clue that I had entered a time-warp should have been apparent when I took note of the many parking spots painted blue. Space after space of wheelchair accessible spots were lined up with most of them occupied. I had arrived at Senior Central. Who else is available to pour money into big noisy boxes in the middle of the day? I felt a twitch developing on the right side of my face.

After unloading my friend's walker and stretching our legs, it was agreed upon that we would indeed reinforce our stamina by trying out one of the many beautiful restaurants that were built along the parameter of the casino. Our choice, the never ending International Buffet. I was deep in conversation over how we would all be contributing to Lee's birthday lunch when the waitress asked an offsetting question, "How many here are seniors... over 50?"  All four of us raised our hands and all eyes were on me.

A senior? When did that happen? Just last month I was being asked for my driver's license when I bought a bottle of wine at the grocery store. It didn't matter that California was just finding an easy way to enforce the law. I was "carded", that's all that mattered.  Now I found myself sitting in a gigantic building full of walkers and wheelchairs and I had become one of "them". A senior. The very thing I swore I would always honor and admire from a distance, but never partake in.  Life is funny, don't you think?

So, am I old? Never! The famous saying, "You are only as old as you feel," was written by someone who just received their first senior discount. Will I ever visit the place of my first crashing piece of twilight realism? Of course, they had an amazing buffet!